inner turmoil

I’ve been boggled down by homework for the past week (mostly the past three days), and stressed out over a lot of things. This doesn’t help my already hesitant acceptance of my college career, so needless to say, I’ve been sleep-deprived and emotional.

I’m not a college girl. I have a lot of issues with higher education, and yet, here I am… at college.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of inner turmoil lately. It’s as if two completely different Hannahs have been fighting and yelling at each other inside of me and I don’t know which one to listen to. Questions like, “Who am I?” “What am I worth?” “What are my dreams and aspirations?” “Am I pursuing the things that I am supposed to?” were flying inside my head. It’s like two completely different realities and futures have been fighting to have their way, and I can only choose one. I can’t focus on my home work, I can’t focus on my film…

I felt like I was going to be stuck in this rut until I chose one, and only one voice.

I wanted to end this. So of course, I got up this morning, and not having my bike here at school with me, I took a walk with God. I asked Him to show me who I am in Him, and what I am supposed to do. I asked Him to give me a sign, or a peace or something. “Where am I called???” I yelled; mainly upset at myself because I can’t just be happy where I am. I always have to move move move; never be in one place for too long.

Then, in the quiet of the breeze, He whispered in my ear. Only two words; probably insignificant to anyone else who may have heard it. But to me, it was my future; my defining moment; my calling. He whispered: “The road.”

Obviously, that’s doesn’t tell me much; but in that moment, when those words riding on the lips of the wind met my ear, this overwhelming peace came over me. I didn’t care anymore about my major or my homework, or slowly dying at college. I didn’t even care what “the road” was. I just knew that is where I am called, and where I will end up. God will reveal to me along the way the steps I need to make to get there; all I’ve got to do is keep listening to the wind.